to all those that were truly (or not) concerned, i apologise for the previous emo-ness. yes it was me. and yes i was really feeling crabby.
it’s partially because my school team position got stolen by someone. it goes as follows.
she wasn’t even supposed to be considered for the school team selections (plus it was pretty much confirmed to be me), but during the june holiday trainings she just hou4 lian3 pi2 and force herself on the coach and trained. okay so the nice way of putting that is ‘taking the initiative’, but to me it’ll always be ‘thick-skinned bootlicker’. now why bootlicker, you ask. well she sucks up to the captain, vice-captain, coach and practically everyone else.
okay so that’s the behavioral bit. part one at least. i will explain more later. now the skill-wise bit. she’s every bit not as good as me. in the may monthly shoots i shot a 96, 93, 88, 90 (which is 367) and she shot a 369. okay so 3 points may not look like a lot of difference. but i was at a disadvantage; no boots plus injured ankle. that can’t be any fair right? yeah. so then next was the coach-organised mini-competition. again, she shot 372 and i shot 365. no big deal. i still had the abovementioned disadvantages. then the final round of mini-comps organised by coach. as you can see, the point difference was currently 9 points (2+7=9 what). so somehow, in my mind, i just gave up without even trying. without even fighting. final score was 88, 87, 88, 92 (358 ) and 37something for her). fine. that was emotional breakdown number one.
so what if i don’t have the ‘fighter’s spirit (as someone kindly put it). at least i stay true to my morals. so what if i can’t ‘get high’, or laugh, or talk about boybands and all that gossip? that doesn’t make me any one bit inferior. so what if physically, she has a broder build, more muscles, shorter stature hence lower cg and higher stability? if you look at the whole b div, no b and c div, practically all of them are considered ‘thin’. aesthetically (though it is quite irrelevant) it is just not nice to see a sore thumb sticking out.
okay. now after my disadvantage had been lessened (ie i got boots. back. from a junior.) sure initially the standard dropped (the boots hurt like hell you know. you try being flat-footed). then of course it picked up. then it was on the same level. but the coach just had to base her school team selection on results and how-well-one-bonds-the-club-together. so with all that bootlicking she was obviously higher ranked. but coach forgot one point: fakeness.
then there was last friday the 20th. man that was a huge blow. internally i already knew that i wasn’t on the team (the list of shooters was submitted on sunday the 15th) but i kept hoping. hoping that by competition experience would make coach reconsider. but it didn’t happen. emotional breakdown number 2.
oh and i was already feeling rather crabby on the day of emotional breakdown number 2 because someone just poured their troubles out to me and i was at a loss for how to comfort her, hence feeling really weak and useless.
and i’m sorry to the person who was on the receiving end of emotional breakdown number 2. you may or may not be reading this blog (i’ve been told you do), but i’m really sorry that i put you in such an akward situation. call it a…temporary weakness if you like. anyway if you’re reading just post an annonymous comment or something just a full stop would do. \:
so now i’m still kinda down. it helps not to have the ‘fighter’s spirt’; you don’t really think about rebelling. but today all the smiles were forced; i just couldn’t bring myself to really be happy. crap i’m getting teary-eyed. again. gimme a minute.
argh it’s not helping.
yes where was i? yes i am sorry if today i seemed really forced. i am still…well…
ah yes. i really appreciate those who actually noticed there was something wrong with me today and tried(?) to cheer me up. indirectly(?). damn i feel like binging although i already ate dinner (3 bowls leh. totally binge.) now you know how i gained four saddening kilograms during the holidays, when it took me half a year just to lose those four damn kilos. on the plus side i have more muscles now than half a year ago (is that a plus?). and it’s not like i grew any taller. shall not lament about my weight. i’m just hoping it’s another growth spurt. apparantly i grow (physically) when put under stress (mentally). like in p6 i shot up…5cm? yeah. and had a model’s bmi (15.22something) with track three times a week for two hours each session, swimming three times a week for two-and-a-half hours each session. i should excercise more. oh yes did i ever mention that my worse swimming training was when i swam 8.5 km in 2.5 hours? i can’t even think about running 8.5 km, yet alone swimming that. argh nevermind. i can’t swim to save my life now.
so now i’m sitting in front of the computer, pouring my heart out to all netizens. man i feel so weak. it’s like i’m saying ‘please pity me and give me some sympathy because i’m such a loser’. yeah right. i feel like such a loser. loser. loser. loser. loser. loser. loser. interesting finger excercise.
and tomorrow’ll only be worse. how am i supposed to go through another day, sitting in the same room as the damned person who caused all my sorrow?! ah nevermind. i admit i have certain commitment issues as well. so what if i take two more subjects than the ordinary person? that doesn’t mean that i put any less effort into training. so what if i’m not even considered as part of exco’09 because of these same commitment issues? i don’t care anymore. i don’t want to care anymore. i don’t need to care anymore. damn this is getting awfully repetitive and emo. oh yes i haven’t apologised for all the vulgarities.
resuming. i shall just give it all up. you want it, you take it. go on then. i’m not even going to fight. because there won’t be satisfaction in winning when you know your opponent has gone easy on you. you know why? because it doesn’t even matter to me anymore. i’m not going to kill anymore of my precious brain cells even thinking about you. oh by the way now i’m talking about another person. not the one who took the school team position. and so. i don’t care how you view me. remember: i have my own ways of retaliating. so maybe it doesn’t look like i do, but you’ll be amazed how much influence i have over the juniors. one word and you’ll be having hell from them. hell.
now where else to divert my anger/sadness/frustrations/pent-up emotions. okay. so i’ve held this in for too long. far too long. so what if you have been enjoying yourself without noticing that i was suffering? i don’t give a damn anymore. you can just do as you like and i’ll just turn a blind eye to it. you can’t hurt me anymore because i no longer care. there is no place in my heart for matters concerning you. even if you betray me again i won’t feel a thing. maybe laugh at your futile effort at making a jab at me, but that’s about it. no more. i have bottled up everything and threw the bottle away. and it has not been returned to me because of insufficient postage. wait, i smashed the bottle. the shards won’t hurt me but they sure will hurt you. be careful if you ever want to offend me.
just a side note i have little white scars on the back of my hands because i once punched someone in the face and he bit me. just a side note. i used to be really violent and i’m not afraid of being violent again. i don’t care about demerit points or whatever. i can go to a neighbourhood school for all i care. it’s much nearer my house anyway. (not that i have any misgivings about neighbourhood school kids (nsks), but just as a point to illustratee my fact.)
sigh. i think i’ve calmed down now. but i shall still type another 600 words or so to make this post 2000 words. just for kicks. you may or may not want to read the following as it’ll probably be all crap(?) because i’ve run out of things to say. well almost. i’ll never run out of things to say.
so why am i doing this instead of my bsp essay, which is sitting in a corner gathering dust? or cleaning up my room which is in a state where you can’t walk one step without tripping over something? well i just needed an outlet; all this plus the taxing first day of school (in which i fell asleep during lessons again, but not that bad because it was only during physics) has really made me feel raw. like a piece of shashimi. okay now for a really bad joke. two sushi sits next to each other. why didn’t they talk? 因为它们不熟。
i would like to use this apportunity to thank everyone who has been there for me, which is practically no one, since my parents hardly notice if there’s anything wrong with me. or maybe it’s because of my amazingly good poker face. i think after this i shall read through the whole series of prince of tennis until three in the morning or something because that really calms me down.
oh yes i had a really weird dream yesterday night. it’s like there’s a school trip in which everyone went to this seaside place, wait seaside is wrong. it’s more like a building built on the sea. like a concrete based one on concrete pillars but with weird grass roofs. and no walls. a bit like those at obs. and it was raining all day and storms were brewing everywhere. and everyone was wet but strangely having fun. and there was this big concrete platform also supported by concrete pillars. and everyone was there taking a group photo. and that’s how the dream ended. pretty weird. and another weird thing: a remote-controlled helicopter actually appeared. strange indeed. i shall not mention who actually appeared in the said dream because…well it’s really personal. let’s just say it’s mainly the people who helped me though emotional breakdown number two. and it’s not restricted to females only. maybe this is my impression of school? i don’t know. my subconscious mind works in weird ways. ah that was the second dream. i can’t really remember the first one really well but i have a feeling it’s a premonition. this may sound creepy but i actually dream of things that will happen to me years later. like there’s this once when i dreamt that i ran down the staircase for my life (literally. what else would you expect in a dream?) and then years later (like more than five) there was this once when the lift broke down and i was already late for school and i had to run down twenty-four floors like it was for my life. no kidding. then there are these feelings of deja vu i get not very often-ly…
ah i feel so much better after emptying my mind. now i know why people who blog often often seem carefree; they are not chained my memories. or the need to remember them at any length. i should do this more often. and make you all read through 2000-word-long posts. i am so evil. anyway i should really be going to write my six months worth of cca training for my nyaa booklet. why? because i haven’t been doing so. and my training has ended with any hope of being on the school team. i’ll probably cook up some crap along the way.
see? now, 2000+ words wasn’t all that hard to read through, was it?
You should, since youre related to me some way or another. I think chiachia knows me the best. Actually, im kind of thinking of putting up a quiz to see who understands me the MOST!! heheh. chiachia. another test you will ace in.
Chihboon, 
nooboet, 
miguen 3:51 pm on June 29, 2008 Permalink |
you should have posted a rumor you know…
mabellim 11:33 am on June 30, 2008 Permalink |
hello
wtf you all got to do haunted house?! not fair ):
okay i’ll go support ya’ll. bu jian bu san ehh! ;D
nooboet 12:50 pm on June 30, 2008 Permalink |
cynthia, i started wondering if it was you from the first sentence, had an idea it was you by para 2, n u later confirmed it XD And nah, i noe the way u speak probably, but i can’t tell what exactly u like. Food maebe, esp chocolate, and yellow or orange…anything else?
Ah, regarding the toilet. I guess we can reveal that someone died there on 4th July 1990 there, i think. Obviously someone must have died. Would the toilet be haunted in any other ways?
Anw, with all the rumours spreaded in pri school abt the ghost in the toilet, do you need any more? Our fav IH teacher has saed tt there was a nurse who saw a pair of feet right in front of her when she went to this narrow cubicle, freaked out and came out. XD
jekloneo 1:26 pm on June 30, 2008 Permalink |
You missed spaghetti.
I think there has been enough talk of ghosts. But oh well, a little excitement is always nice.
Anyway, the word “hehe” clued me in that it was you, cynt.
And well, the third paragraph does confirm your identity. I cannot begin to imagine chiachia or miguen (of all people) writing this.
nooboet 11:05 am on July 1, 2008 Permalink |
even the title screams “CYNTHIA WROTE THIS!!!”
Cynt’s excitableness shows easily thru her writing, unless she happens to be emo suddenly.
Chihboon 5:52 am on July 5, 2008 Permalink |
You give me no credit at all=(
I know it’s you from the first line, nobody else write that childishly in the class.= =”
Anyway, you haunted toilet not bad lah, but you failed as a ghost, so not scary.= =”
Oh and, even though you are going to be 15, you think like 5.=)
Young at heart.
P.S. I might really write a proposal to you.
Chihboon