the art of limping

the art of limping is a very precise and esquisite one. a perfect limp can not only show others around you how much pain and suffering you are going through, but can also alleviate the pain to almost nothing.

now, how do we achieve the perfect limp? it’s very simple. everyone can do it, even those who are not injured! here is how:

1. choose an injured leg. for example, your right leg. when walking, or more accurately, limping, keep your right foot at a 90 degree angle, ie not moving your right ankle.

2. when setting the injured appendix on the unforgiving floor, thereby subjecting it to your mass times gravitational acceleration of the earth (ie your weight), do not, i repeat, DO NOT set it down from the toe or ankle. instead, the perfect limper plants the foot directly and flatly down.

3. the angle in which one should place the foot must be precise. one has to hold the leg at an angle away from the body by lifting it sideways. the foot can then be planted on the ground, with the arch carrying weight. this decreases the weight that the ankle has to bear, by making use of the foot’s bone structure instead of using muscle and ligaments.

4. when shifting weight from the good leg to the injured leg, do it quickly. i mean, the whole purpose of limping is because walking is more painful, so why limp painfully? the time taken to shuffle should be about 200bpm. where it goes right-left, the left lasting three counts. (note: this varies according to height.)

5. now the distance of each limp. the right foot should be set somewhere just ahead of the left (meaning, move it one foot/shoe length), and then the left should go at least 1.5 times that distance. the resulting limp ensures your injured leg moves a shorter distance, thereby ensuring less pain.

6. when limping, lean body to the side of the good leg.

got all those points memorised? good! now you know how to limp properly. if done correctly, it should alleviate the pain. but the art of limping isn’t just about feet-planting. it it were, there would be forests of feet! instead, the professional limper also has to know these points:

7. grab any handrail in sight. this makes it look like you are desperate for support, to relieve the crushing weight off your poor leg.

8. limp even when going up steps. this makes it look extremely convincing. to do this is the same as normal limping, except you have to haul yourself up by holding a handrail when stepping with the bad leg.

9. limp even when going down steps. this is slightly more difficult and challenging. if done wrong, it could be potentially painful. basically the limp is the same, just that you have to set the injured foot down parallel to the steps, or foot pointing outwards. again, grab the handrail like your life depends on it when setting weight on the injured foot.

there! now you have mastered the art of limping. if done correctly you should be the centre of attention, with everyone giving you sympathatic glances and looks filled with pity. so artists! (yes you are now artists because you have mastered the ART of limping) GO FORTH AND DAZZALE THE WORLD WITH YOUR LIMP.

(note: if it is your left leg that’s injured, just change all the ‘right’ to ‘left’ and vice versa.)